What to do when you are angry, after an argument or being deceived

Published at 30 Dec 2019 by soywiz

We all are humans beings that live and feel. We all make mistakes, hurt and learn. We are all living under pressure, with personal circumstances that affect us.

I had hard times learning how to cope with anger. One reason is that I have some degree of autism, and the other is that nobody taught me these things.

Fortunately over the time I learnt a few things that helped me with that.

First of all we should distinguish between a small quarrel, a big one or one separating people.

Usually for small quarrels, the best thing is to do nothing. Just keep going. Don’t overthink about it, don’t make it more important that it is since that could create a real problem depending on the persons.

For bigger quarrels: yelling, after saying bad things, going away and all that kind of stuff. The best you can do is relax. Give yourself and the other person time to relax, and reduce those strong emotions. Maybe you can also go to the gym or make sport to release some endorphins. Then talk. And when talking try to make the argument less important, try to understand the other person, their feelings, and say sorry if you can. And if you are hurt, make the other person feel less sorry by not giving too much attention to the problem, and saying that arguments are normal since we are humans, and it doesn’t have much more importance than that.

When you have hurted people that is not in your life anymore, or they have hurted or deceived you.

There are two ways to keep going: resentment, or understanding.

The easiest path to take is the resentment: “That person is awful, nice that he or she is not part of my life anymore.”

This path is easy; but dangerous. Internalize bad feelings, might affect all the other areas in our life, making us make bad decisions, treat other people not deserving it bad, thus affecting our humour, and our own karma (other people might talk bad of you, you might feel bad even if not aware, etc.).

The good way is to accept and to understand. Maybe not immediately (people need time to heal), but eventually.

Think of all the mistakes you have done in your life. All the times you have hurted someone else. Why did you do that? Sometimes was bad feelings that evolved over the time, other times just mistakes, different priorities or something else. We all feel, we all have aspirations, we all struggle, we all evolve and change. Even people that do things with resentment, has that way of thinking, because they had to live something that made that person that way even if you don’t know.

So if you make an effort, you can understand that that person had a past, with an initial starting point he or she didn’t choose that influenced all the things that came after that. It’s ok. It’s part of the past, forgive that person (even if that person is you). You can continue your own life.

You can also choose which persons are in your life. Forgiving doesn’t mean that person must continue in your life. If that person makes you feel bad constantly for any reason (doesn’t matter) you can choose to take out that person from your life. But by no having resentment it is now easier to keep going, to invest your mental resources in other things that are more important in your life.

But sometimes even after lots of quarrels, and problems, that person is important in your life, and you still might decide to continue having that person in your life. There are ways to change some situations.

Assertiveness is one tool among many others. But again, that’s another post.